SKL WEEK 9: DEAR SANTA, IT’S NOVEMBER

Last week we were still wearing Halloween costumes. Apparently Thanksgiving has been canceled.

Last week, this column was still handing out Halloween costumes. Parkhurst was Michael Myers, Burst was Charlie Brown, Bernie was Ferris Bueller, Erica was Cinderella, Trey was The Mask, and Travis came dressed as Travis because nobody was completely certain the person scoring all those points was the same guy who had shown up in September.

That was seven days ago.

The costumes have barely made it back into the plastic storage bins, there are still pumpkins collapsing inward on front porches across Central New York, and Thanksgiving football is still several weeks away. Naturally, this means somebody has already dragged the Christmas decorations out of the attic.

The inflatable Santa is on the lawn. The lights are wrapped around the railing. Mariah Carey has been released from containment. Somewhere, a neighbor who spent October complaining about Halloween decorations being up too early is now standing on a ladder attaching a six-foot illuminated snowflake to his garage on November 9.

The costumes came off Monday. The Christmas lights went up Tuesday. This is not seasonal creep anymore. This is seasonal trespassing.

The Syracuse Keeper League has apparently decided there is no reason to wait for Thanksgiving, and neither have its owners. Through sources whose access to private correspondence raises several questions this column has no intention of answering, we have obtained a collection of early letters to Santa.

Some owners are asking for health. Some want consistency. Some want one normal opponent. At least one would like the spreadsheet destroyed. Josh, wisely, should ask for absolutely nothing and avoid attracting attention.

Before we get to the letters, Week 9 gave us one of those Sundays that made last week’s Midterm spreadsheet look considerably smarter than any spreadsheet has a right to feel.

And unfortunately, spreadsheets can be extremely smug.

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LAMAR MY BALLS IN LAPORTA 198.5, THREE & OUT 150.5

Last week, the Midterm spreadsheet spent an unreasonable amount of time explaining two things that sounded contradictory: Dave had the best team in the league, and Burst had the strongest legitimate complaint about his schedule.

So naturally Week 9 put them against each other.

This was less a matchup than the spreadsheet scheduling its own oral defense.

Burst responded by scoring 198.5, the highest total of the week, and beating the first-place team by 48 points.

There are easier ways to win an argument.

Burst apparently preferred bringing exhibits.

Bucky Irving scored 37. CeeDee Lamb had 33. Luther Burden added 21. Chuba Hubbard had 20. KC Concepcion scored 18.5. San Francisco’s defense contributed 22. By the time the smoke cleared, Burst had turned the team that entered the week at 2-6 into the highest-scoring roster in the league for one Sunday and made last week’s “the record is worse than the team” paragraph look less like analysis and more like prophecy.

Dave did not lose this because of a lineup mistake. Three & Out scored 150.5, which was perfectly respectable, and the 70.5 points on the bench are mostly visual noise. Shedeur Sanders’ 26 was only two better than Tyler Shough. Ollie Gordon’s 14 was five better than D’Andre Swift. There is no plausible collection of swaps that gets anywhere near 198.5.

Sometimes there is no autopsy.

Sometimes the other guy ran you over with the ambulance.

The funniest part is that Burst’s Week 8 loss was actually fairly ordinary. His 143.5 would have lost to seven teams. Week 9 is the week his season-long grievance finally received the cinematic payoff it had been waiting for: after two months of complaining that the schedule kept putting him in the wrong place at the wrong time, he finally drew the league leader and responded by blowing the doors off him.

Dear Santa,

I know I have spent most of the season asking for a fair schedule. I would like to amend the request.

Please send Dave again.

Love,
Burst

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THE PRACTICE SQUAD 185, MIDNIGHT MARAUDERS 159

At 0-3, Parkhurst was dead.

At 3-3, he was back.

At 5-3, he was Michael Myers.

At 6-3 with six straight wins, the rest of the league should probably stop checking whether he has a pulse and start checking the locks.

Jim scored 159, which is exactly the kind of performance that should make an owner feel pretty good about Sunday. It would have beaten most of the league. Bijan Robinson gave him 35.5, Drake Maye 17.5, Nico Collins 15, Isaiah Likely 16 and the Browns defense 11.

Parkhurst scored 185.

Javonte Williams had 32. James Cook 31.5. Ja’Marr Chase 31. Ka’imi Fairbairn somehow added 17. The Rams defense scored 14. Parkhurst’s lineup kept finding points until Jim’s perfectly respectable 159 looked like a participation trophy.

This is where Jim’s season gets cruel in a way the standings alone do not capture. He is 2-7 now, but this was not a 2-7 performance. It was the kind of score that normally ends a losing streak, except the schedule looked at it and said, “That’s adorable. Here’s the defending champion.”

Parkhurst, meanwhile, has moved beyond comeback status. You do not get to call six consecutive wins a comeback anymore. At some point it becomes the current reality.

Last week he was dressed as Michael Myers.

This week he is the neighbor who already has the Christmas display up, synchronized to music, with a dedicated FM frequency and a sign asking people not to block the driveway.

He was apparently never going to respect the calendar anyway.

Dear Santa,

I would like one week where 159 points is treated like 159 points.

I do not need a pony. I do not need a PlayStation. I do not need world peace.

I would just like my opponent to score 147.

Please.

Jim

Parkhurst’s letter was considerably shorter.

Dear Santa,

I’m good.

Mike

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HUNTER HURTS FIELD BLACK 184, UNEMPLOYED LOSER = NO MONEY 181.5

Tom finally found the fangs.

Then Travis staked him anyway.

Last week, Tom’s Midterm grade dropped because the season-long résumé still looked excellent while the recent work had fallen apart. He had lost three straight and renamed his team Toilet Bowl or Bust!!, which was funny enough on its own.

He has now renamed it Unemployed loser = no money.

This is what happens when a fantasy owner stops changing the lineup and starts changing the franchise’s LinkedIn status.

The important part is that Tom did almost everything right this week. He scored 181.5, the third-highest total in the league. Puka Nacua had 37. Christian Watson scored 30. Jahmyr Gibbs gave him 23. Breece Hall’s 18.5 was sitting on the bench, but there was no obvious pregame decision that turns this into a managerial indictment.

The problem was Travis scored 184.

Matthew Golden put up 32. Christian McCaffrey had 30. Brock Bowers 22.5. Tee Higgins 20. Even Joe Milton gave Travis 16.5 at quarterback. Hunter Hurts Field Black has now spent a month trying to erase September through sheer violence.

This is Travis’ fourth straight week looking like one of the best teams in the league, and Week 9 may be the most convincing evidence yet because Tom finally played like the Tom from the beginning of the season and still could not stop him.

That is bad news for everybody who was hoping Travis’ surge was temporary.

It is also brutal for Tom, who has now lost four straight despite owning one of the best all-play profiles in the league. The new team name suggests he has reached the bargaining stage.

Dear Santa,

Please remove September from the official record.

I realize this may require access to Yahoo’s servers.

Do what you have to do.

Travis

Tom’s request is more specific.

Dear Santa,

One win.

I scored 181.5.

I am begging you.

Also, if you know anyone hiring, apparently that has become part of the brand now.

Tom

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THUGZ ON DRUGZ 160, TO BE DETERMINED 109

Last week, the spreadsheet accused Bernie of having a record that looked better than the underlying work.

Bernie responded by scoring 152.5, winning, and making the spreadsheet look petty.

The spreadsheet waited seven days.

Then Bernie scored 109, the lowest total in the league.

There is nothing more dangerous than giving Excel time to prepare a rebuttal.

This one was ugly from the start. Josh Allen gave Bernie 15. Ashton Jeanty 10. Josh Jacobs 2. Zay Flowers 6.5. DeVaughn Vele 3. Malik Willis was sitting on the bench with 4, so there is no alternate-universe quarterback solution. Tony Pollard was unavailable. The bench totaled 15.

There is no hidden version of this lineup where Bernie wins.

Kev, meanwhile, chose an excellent week to rediscover the offense. Brock Purdy scored 28.5, Joe Burrow 29.5, Amon-Ra St. Brown 17, and the Bears defense 16. Thugz On Drugz finished at 160, exactly the kind of output Kev needed after the Midterm had basically sent a search party looking for his early-season production.

That makes this matchup almost suspiciously tidy from a narrative standpoint. Last week, the Midterm said Kev’s offense had disappeared and Bernie’s record was flattering him. Week 9 responded by handing Kev 160 and Bernie 109.

Somewhere, the spreadsheet printed itself a certificate.

Dear Santa,

Please bring back Week 8.

I liked Week 8.

Bernie

Kev’s request:

Dear Santa,

I found the offense.

Could I get one of those AirTags so I stop losing it?

Kev

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THE GLASS CLOWNS 153, SHAWNSHANK REDEMPTION 140.5

Trey’s rehabilitation tour continues.

The Glass Clowns followed Week 8’s league-high 181.5 with another strong performance, beating Shawn 153-140.5 and moving to 6-3. The preseason favorite, which spent September looking like one of Yahoo’s more ambitious works of fiction, has now won four straight and sits tied for the best record in the league.

Kenneth Walker did most of the heavy lifting with 45, but this was not merely one player rescuing a broken lineup. Trey got 16 from Zach Charbonnet, 15 from Tetairoa McMillan, 12 from Harold Fannin, 16 from Tampa Bay’s defense and enough everywhere else to build a legitimate winning score.

The bench totaled 11.5.

Again: no hidden movie.

This was the movie.

Shawn’s bench totaled 46, but the Bad Result/Bad Decision Rule applies. Baker Mayfield’s 7.5 was worse than Bo Nix’s 17.5. Denver’s defense scored less than Kansas City’s. There is not an obvious, defensible pregame switch sitting there that converts the loss into a win. Shawn scored 140.5.

Trey scored more.

That is all.

Which means The Glass Clowns have reached the awkward point where the joke about being the preseason No. 1 team needs to be retired before Trey starts carrying the screenshot around like Dave carries the D+.

Dear Santa,

I would like everyone who laughed at Yahoo’s preseason ranking to submit a written apology.

Double-spaced.

APA format.

Trey

Shawn’s letter:

Dear Santa,

Nothing dramatic. I would just like 140.5 to be enough sometimes.

Shawn

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HOLDININ 126.5, ANY GIVEN SUNDAY 120.5

At some point, we may have to stop describing Josh’s record as favorable timing and start investigating whether he has discovered a flaw in the simulation.

Josh entered Week 9 with the worst all-play record in the league by an enormous margin and three actual wins against roughly one and a half expected wins.

He scored 126.5.

That was the third-lowest score of Week 9!!

Erica scored 120.5.

That was the second-lowest.

Josh is now 4-5.

This is getting ridiculous.

The funniest part is that Erica had C.J. Stroud’s 36 points sitting on the bench while Dak Prescott scored 20. Normally that number screams “managerial error,” but context matters: Dak was the projected starter and the stronger pregame option. You do not retroactively bench him because Stroud happened to throw five touchdowns. That is a Bad Result, not necessarily a Bad Decision.

Still, the visual is painful. Erica loses by six while a 36-point quarterback sits on the bench, and Josh continues his season-long experiment in proving that standings do not require permission from underlying metrics.

If fantasy football has a conservation law, Josh has found the loophole.

His all-play record after nine weeks is 18.5-80.5.

He has four wins. The correct response is no longer analysis.We do not know what is.

Voodoo, perhaps?

Dear Santa,

Whatever you are doing, please keep doing it.

Do not explain it.

Do not show me the receipt.

Do not change anything.

Josh

Erica:

Dear Santa,

Could you make the carriage last until 1:00 a.m.?

Midnight is becoming a problem.

Erica

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AFTER NINE WEEKS

The updated standings now look like this:

Rank	Team	Owner	Record	PF
1	Three & Out	Dave	6-3	1518.0
2	The Practice Squad	Mike Parkhurst	6-3	1467.5
3	The Glass Clowns	Trey	6-3	1378.0
4	Shawnshank Redemption	Shawn	5-4	1427.5
5	Hunter Hurts Field Black	Travis	5-4	1385.0
6	Thugz On Drugz	Kev	5-4	1378.5
7	To Be Determined	Bernie	5-4	1292.5
8	Unemployed loser = no money	Tom	4-5	1534.0
9	HoldinIn	Josh	4-5	1102.5
10	Lamar My Balls in LaPorta	Mike “Burst”	3-6	1415.0
11	Any Given Sunday	Erica	3-6	1303.5
12	Midnight Marauders	Jim	2-7	1329.5

The standings remain the funniest document in the league.

Tom is 4-5 and eighth despite leading the entire league in points. Burst is 3-6 despite scoring more points than five teams ahead of him. Bernie is 5-4 despite ranking near the bottom of the all-play standings. Josh has four wins despite an all-play record that looks like something generated as punishment. And Parkhurst, who started 0-3, has now climbed all the way to second place by tiebreaker and has not lost since September.

Christmas may be arriving early, but regression apparently missed the delivery window.

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WEEK 10: CHECKING THE LIST

The letters have been sent. Santa has presumably begun reviewing the requests, although several have already been forwarded to Legal.

Week 10 now gets to determine whether anybody receives an early delivery.

To Be Determined vs. Shawnshank Redemption  gives Bernie an immediate opportunity to prove Week 9 was a one-week disaster rather than the spreadsheet finally getting its conviction. Shawn remains one of the steadier teams in the league, which makes this an especially inconvenient recovery assignment. Bernie asked Santa for Week 8 back; Shawn is unlikely to gift-wrap it.

Hunter Hurts Field Black vs. Three & Out may be the best game on the schedule. Travis has spent the last month playing like one of the league’s most dangerous teams, while Dave remains first despite getting vaporized by Burst. This is the perfect test of whether Travis has truly joined the top tier or has merely been making an extremely convincing impression of one. Dave, meanwhile, gets another high-end opponent immediately after his 198.5-point experience, so anyone complaining about his early soft schedule can begin slowly lowering a hand.

Midnight Marauders vs. Lamar My Balls in LaPorta places two of the league’s most abused records across from each other. Jim just scored 159 and lost. Burst just scored 198.5 and won. One has spent the season asking why good scores keep finding better opponents; the other finally got proof that sometimes the answer is simply to score 200 and remove the schedule from the conversation entirely.

Unemployed loser = no money vs. The Glass Clowns features the league’s leading scorer trying to end a four-game losing streak against the team that has suddenly become exactly what Yahoo said it was going to be. Tom’s new franchise name suggests morale has reached a healthy and sustainable place. Trey would probably prefer not to become the first person who allows “Unemployed loser = no money” to start a winning streak.

HoldinIn vs. Thugz On Drugz is an important scientific experiment. Kev just scored 160. Josh just scored 126.5 and won anyway. If Josh somehow gets to 5-5 while continuing to lose to approximately 80 percent of hypothetical opponents, we may have to replace the expected-wins model with theology.

Any Given Sunday vs. The Practice Squad gives Erica the hottest possible opponent at exactly the wrong time. Parkhurst has won six straight, Erica has lost four of five, and somewhere Michael Myers is already standing behind the Christmas tree. If Erica wants the Cinderella story to continue, this would be a useful week for the fairy godmother to stop screening calls.

Last week everybody was wearing Halloween costumes.

This week the Christmas lights went up.

Thanksgiving has not happened.

Nobody has eaten the turkey.

Nobody has watched the Lions.

Black Friday is still safely in the future, where it belongs.

And yet the SKL has already mailed twelve letters to Santa because nine weeks of fantasy football have taught everyone the same lesson:

When your season starts going sideways, there is no reason to wait until December to ask for a miracle.